Articles Archive

Dear Coach Scott:  Why do I need the support of a community to find the love of my life?  I am completely focused on finding my life partner and I don't need anyone else's help. The only problem I seem to be having is that I do not know where to meet potential partners.  So what that means is that I am not having luck in finding prospective partners.  Where are they?  Do you have any suggestions?

  - Focused On Finding My Life Partner

Dear FOFMLP:

Before I answer your questions, I need to share something with you.  You are in one of the most common dating traps that singles fall into when they begin their search for finding the love of the their life.  A dating trap is an unsolvable problem that results in unhappiness in a relationship.  The dating trap I am referring to is called The Lone Ranger Trap.  Let me share some facts that describe singles who are in the Lone Ranger Trap:

1)  You are in the Long Ranger Trap if you are focused on your goal of finding the love of your life and believe that the other relationships in your life are less important and that you don't need anyone else's help.

2)  You are in the Lone Ranger Trap if you evaluate the people you meet for their relationship potential and don't take the time to make new friends.

3)  You are in the Lone Ranger Trap if you can't see beyond your own resources and if it feels like no one is out there for you.

The best way to be successful in any area of life is to have supportive people involved.  No one is successful alone because we are created to be social beings.  Relationships survive and thrive in a community, but tend to shrivel and die in isolation.  It makes sense, therefore , to build your support community now as a way you can prepare for, find and keep a successful life partnership.

So let me encourage you to go and build your network of close, mutually beneficial relationships.  It will take time and effort.  But the reward is that when you deepen your connection with others, develop strong relationships and expand your circle of friends, you will improve the quality of your life and relationships.

Once you have built your support community, notice that you can divide people into three categories:  acquaintances, friends, and intimates.

1)  Acquaintances are people you know in certain places - such as church or work - but they have never seen the inside of your house or ridden with you in your car.

2)  Friends are people who share interests with you - such as basketball, baseball and football or art - but there are limits to the relationship, and you can lose connection with them when you move to another city.

3)  Intimates are your best friends, your close inner circle who know everything about you and will support you no matter what in times of crisis or need.

Take a close look at these people in your life.  How many, if any, would you consider an intimate friend?  If none, then is there anybody on this list you can allow deeper into your life?  Perhaps its time to bring this person closer to you for a more meaningful, mutually beneficial relationship.  What do you think?

Being with people who will support you no matter what will help you achieve your goals in life and in your relationships.  Where are all the prospective partners you ask?  Ask your intimate friends, the ones who know you best.  Chances are they will know someone who is good for you to meet.  And who knows?  It just may be the love of your life...

- Warmly,

Coach Scott

Q.  Where do I meet potential partners? A:  In Conscious Dating, we teach singles all about places where you can scout and screen potential partners.  These places are called attraction venues.  By being conscious of attraction venues where you can potentially meet the love of your life, you will be better prepared and able to seize the opportunities that arise.  Conscious Dating identifies four levels of attraction venues: Level One:  Public places such as the supermarket, post office, grocery store, coffee shop, art and wine festival...places with great diversity of people.  Finding the life partner you are looking for in these settings is possible, but not very likely. Level Two:  Generic singles settings such as online dating, singles bars, singles clubs, singles events, personal ads.  While your odds increase in these settings because you meet more singles, finding qualified potential partners can be quite challenging, as many frustrated singles will attest. Level Three:  These are settings such as ski clubs, bike clubs, yoga classes and more in which you share a strong interest with everyone present.  These settings are great for making friends and having fun in addition to finding a potential partner.  If you do not meet the kind of potential partners you are looking for, you can still form friendships and network.  Your new friends can be your best scouts, and people that you would want for friends are more likely to know someone who will be a great match for you. Level Four:  These are settings in which you share important values, goals, and/or passions with everyone there, such as your church, service clubs, personal growth venues, and more.  These are highly individual and can sometimes be a challenge to find, but the good news is that you can create your own.  Remember, "If you build it, they will come!"  These settings tend to be communities unto themselves, and have a strong level of mutual support and involvement in each other's lives.  These settings are the best venues for finding the love of your life and/or getting the support you need to find the love of your life. Where do you look for the love of your life?  Share your comments below and let me know. Warmly, Scott

One of the best relationship skills to learn is being the chooser. Are you a single person who likes to take the initiative to go after what you want?  Or are you a person who would rather play it safe and limit yourself to only what is in front of you? Many singles today struggle with being a chooser.  Instead, they react to people and circumstances in their lives.  Or they submissively let others make the choices. Choosers know what they want and how to get it.  Choosers take charge of their lives and are responsible for what happens.  Being a chooser takes a certain amount of courage and confidence, but anyone can be one.  Here are three steps to being a chooser: Step 1:  Be aware that you have choices You are never stuck!  You always have choices, even if you don't know what your choices are.  A chooser doesn't allow impulse or lack of information to result in poor choices. Step 2:  Identify your choices You always assume there are more choices than you are aware of and you seek to identify a variety of the choices available to you.  You are mindful that "you don't know what you don't know."  You always seek productive choices and you don't settle for unproductive choices. Step 3:  Make productive choices You use all the information available to you to make the best choice possible to achieve the outcome you desire.  You evaluate a choice based upon the likely long-term consequences of that choice. Being the chooser means that you need to break free from your conditioning and learn to take risks and go beyond your comfort level.  Being a chooser is a mindset and a way of living.  Be the chooser! What are your thoughts, questions, comments about being a chooser?  Let me know! My warmest wishes to you, Scott

“Finally…A proven, simple, step-by-step plan for Christian singles to find the love of  their life and experience  an amazing love relationship that they want and deserve…”

Hi there,

• “Can I really attract a person who will love me for who I am, and not in spite of me?
• “Should I come to terms with the fact that I will always be alone as a Christian single?”
• “Will I have to spend hours, days, months – even years – with a person who ends up being another disappointment?
• “Will I have to settle for less if I want to find love?”

• Feel more comfortable being who you are, especially around the person your most attracted to;
• Uncover your deepest requirements, needs and wants for your future relationship;
• Discover a clear picture of what you want in life and a relationship;
• Be able to ask for what you want from a person without seeming needy or pushy;
• Learn the secrets for easily, effectively, and efficiently attracting the partner who’s right for you.

Many singles today are insecure and struggle with being the chooser.   Instead, they submissively let others make the choices.  Being the chooser means taking the initiative and responsibility for your outcomes by seeking to create what you want in your life and relationships.

 As a chooser, you are aware that you always have choices and are never stuck but many singles are and here the top reasons why:

Do you like the way the singles dating scene works today?  If you ask most singles, they don’t.  The old ways of dating just aren’t effective anymore.  Why not?  What is going on? When I was in the dating scene, I remembered that I had a need to be happy.  I was also afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.  Sounds simple and innocent, doesn’t it? While my goal was to be happy in my relationships, I didn’t know how.  As a result, I mostly stumbled along the dating scene and made a lot of poor relationship choices that left me in some dating traps and feeling unhappy, afraid and confused. So let’s take a look at 3 deadly dating traps and how to avoid them so that you can prepare yourself for a fulfilling, happy relationship.  A dating trap is an unsolvable problem that result in unhappiness in a relationship. Dating Trap #1 – The Attraction Trap When you fall into the Attraction Trap, you make relationship choices based on feelings of attraction.  For example, you interpret a strong physical attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice.  This approach results in relationship failure because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Attraction is the radar that helps us find our partner.  But when you are in the Attraction Trap, you are blindly following this radar.  Rather than make relationship choices based on feelings of attraction, ask yourself why you are attracted to this person and if that person meets your relationship requirements. How to Avoid:  Balance your attractions by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Dating Trap #2 – The Love Trap This trap happens when you interpret infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment as love.  If it feels good then it must be love.  You feel so in love that it must be a great relationship.  But after the infatuation goes away, you spend the rest of your time together just trying to get it back. How to Avoid:  Make conscious relationship choices by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen partners. Dating Trap #3 – The Sex Trap This is one of the biggest dating traps that Singles fall into.  Falling into the Sex Trap means usually means one of two things: ♥           Singles believe that sex is a necessary test of compatibility; that is, if the sex is good then the relationship will be good. ♥           Or, more commonly, all consciousness goes away and both singles believe they are a committed couple because they had good sex How to avoid:  Make conscious relationship choices by defining your requirements and actively use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners.  Remember and understand that a fulfilling relationship needs more than great sex to thrive. Join the conversation and tell me about your experiences with dating traps.   What are your questions? Warmly, Scott

The 14 Dating Traps:  An Introduction to Conscious Dating

The first key to successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the knack of conveying that you like someone.  If your “target” knows that you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more inclined to like you.  Conveying that you like someone, and judging whether or not the attraction is mutual, clearly involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal communication skills. When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be based primarily on your appearance and body language, then your style of speaking, and finally the least on what you actually say.  That said, if you are single, there are 7 tips that you can follow to help you be successful at flirting. Tip #1 – Do Flirt with People Who are Roughly as Attractive as Yourself This will give you the best chance of compatibility.  Most successful relationships are between partners of more or less equal good looks.  There is some leeway, of course, and other qualities are also important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful. Tip #2 – Don’t Flirt with People Who Are Unlikely to Return Your Interest Even if you are not looking for your soul mate, you will enjoy flirting more with someone who is interested in you.  So it makes sense to approach people who are likely to see you as at least a possible partner, rather than those likely to dismiss you as unsuitable.  Use the non-verbal signals to assess approachability. Tip #3 – Use Non-Verbal Flirting Techniques

♥  Eye Contact – You can signal your interest in someone merely by making eye contact and attempting to hold your target’s gaze for more than one second (not too much more, though, or you will seem threatening).

♥  Posture – When flirting, you can use postural echo to create a feeling togetherness and harmony.  If you echo your partner’s postures, he/she will not only feel more at ease in your company, but will perceive you as more like-minded.

♥  Facial Expressions – SMILE!  We rely more on facial expressions than on any other aspect of body language.  As a general rule, your face should be constantly informative during a flirtatious conversation.

♥  Touch – Touching is a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication.  Experiments have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a social encounter between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive effects.

Q:        In your opinion, what prevents singles from listening well when on a date? A:        That’s a great question. While I was speaking to a group of singles recently, I asked them to send me their most important questions about dating and dating skills.  That’s how this question came my way, and it’s one I never would have thought of myself. 3 Barriers As I have thought about the answer, I have come up with 3 barriers that prevent singles from listening well when on a date. Barrier #1:  Pretending to listen This one happens a lot.  We pretend we are listening to our date, when we are not really listening at all.  Our minds are full and miles away when our date is talking to us.  Sound familiar? What to do instead: Be an authentic listener. Clear your mind.  Focus on your date.  Step outside of your own world, your thoughts, your feelings and genuinely hear what your date is saying so that you can experience what your date is feeling. Barrier #2:  Listening but not understanding This is an especially painful experience for our date because when we listen and fail to understand, we fail to understand our date’s feelings.  And yet, it is almost unbelievable how often this happens, even among singles who want to be good listeners. What to do instead: Respond to your date’s feelings with understanding and care and then see what happens next.  Trust me, your date will appreciate you!  When you listen and understand your date, you not only hear their deepest feelings, you validate their self-worth and strengthen their self-esteem. Barrier#3: Failing to enter your date’s world This is the biggest, the most common type of barrier at listening that even well-meaning singles can make the most often.  We fail to enter into our date’s world, we fail to see their point of view.  We don’t look at their point of view through their eyes.  We look at it through our own! What to do instead: When you listen to your date, leave your world behind for the moment and enter into your date’s world.   Understand your date’s point of view.  See your date’s world as though you were looking at it through your date’s eyes. But don’t rely only on hearing your date’s words with your ears.  Use your eyes and your heart, too and observe how your date looks, their mannerisms, their tone of voice, their body language, their eye contact. Overcome these three barriers to listening well when you are on a date and you will be on your way to truly learning how to love. Tell me what you think about this whole listening thing in the COMMENTS below. If you’re hip to it, thanks for leading the way. If it’s new to you, I double dog dare you to work on overcoming one barrier at a time as you learn to listen well to your date. Thanks for listening to me, Scott        

I see many singles today get into dating and pursue who they want in a relationship, go out on several great dates, and then blow the relationship and it ends up in a lot of unhappiness. So let’s take a look at 3 of the deadliest mistakes singles make, and then what to do instead. Mistake #1 – This one happens when you believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and “sell” yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation.  When you make this mistake in dating, you fear that nobody wants you as you really are. What to do instead:  Be authentic.  You will attract compatible people when you show them who you really are.  Just be yourself.  Don’t present a fake you.  It never works. Mistake #2 – You focus on outside packaging – such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions and overlook the beauty and reality of the person inside.  It is the opposite of the first mistake. Instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others. What to do instead:  Look beyond the outside packaging to areas of real compatibility.  This doesn’t mean you should forget about chemistry, but put it into perspective, understanding it is only one element of what you require in a successful relationship. Mistake #3 – This is one of the biggest mistakes singles make.  You believe that there is a limited supply of possible partners, and therefore think that you have to settle for less or be alone.  You believe you can’t get what you really want because there is not enough to go around.  When you expect less, you get less. What to do instead:  Define your first choice of what you really want and persevere.  Trust that if you apply yourself you can get what you really want in life.  Believe that you will say “No” to what you DON’T want, and “YES” to what you DO want. I would love to hear from you about your experiences with dating, or if you made these mistakes, and what you did about it. Warmly, Scott Simpson  

Business professionals know that if a business is going to be successful, it must engage in planning.  There are many benefits to planning.  Planning creates a roadmap for a business to follow.  Planning provides focus, clarity, commitment and many other benefits. Relationships that are successful are no different.  That said, if you are a business professional, there are 7 tips that you can follow to help you create a successful relationship plan. Tip #1 – Understand Your Life Purpose Everyone has a purpose in life – one that is unique and special. Each of us is UNIQUE and therefore, each one of us has a UNIQUE life purpose.  It is the reason why each of us is here on this planet.  Once your understand your life purpose, it will allow you to be who are and express yourself authentically in life and in your relationship. Tip #2 – Understand Your Life Vision While your purpose is the reason why you are here, your vision is the daily expression of living your life in congruence with your purpose.   When you take the time to understand your vision or how you want to live your life, it will help you create the right roadmap that will guide you to your own unique future. Tip #3 – Define Your Relationship Requirements When you are creating your relationship plan, one of the important elements is to define your relationship requirements.  Requirements are the basic foundation of your vision for your relationship.  They are the non-negotiable traits of your ideal relationship – they must be met for the relationship to work – no ifs, ands, or buts. Examples of relationship requirements are trust, integrity, family oriented, passionate, and a shared sense of humor. Tip #4 – Identify Your Needs We all have needs.  We need to light to see and air to breathe.  We need to eat and sleep.  In a relationship, your needs are the events that must happen for you to be happy.  If a need is unmet, we experience an “issue.”  While requirements are non-negotiable, needs can be negotiated. Tip #5 – Know Your Wants In a relationship, wants provide pleasure and enjoyment, are transient, changeable and easily substituted.  Most of enjoy going out every once in a while for a great meal together or experiencing an amazing concert. Without fun, a relationship would be boring no matter what we are doing   But wants are not requirements, and singles who base a relationship on them often experience a failed relationship. Tip #6 – Develop Your Relationship Skills Your current relationships reflect what your future relationship will be.  With that in mind, don’t you think it’s time to learn effective relationship skills?    Good news!  Relationship skills can be taught and learned.  To be successful, each skill must be developed in order to prepare for your ideal relationship. Some of those relationship skills are: Initiating contact, power introduction, being the “Chooser”, keeping sexual boundaries, communicating expectations, being authentic, being emotionally available, and listening deeply. Tip #7  - Craft a Dating Plan Your dating plan is a roadmap that identifies some of the key milestones of your love relationship, beginning with dating and moving towards a committed relationship.  It defines who you are, what you want in life and a relationship, and finally, how you are going to get there.   Once you create a clear relationship plan, you can find the love of your life! I encourage you to share your comments, questions, and concerns below.  Let me know what you think. Warmly, Scott © 2011 Relationship Coaching Institute | All rights reserved | Used with permission          

Are you sick and tired of trying to find the love of your life, someone you can be truly passionate about and build your life together only to be disappointed again and again? I used to feel the same way.... After one divorce, years of failed relationships and a mountain of disappointment, I was almost ready to "throw in the towel" and accept that I may be single for the rest of my life.  But deep inside me was a yearning, a longing, a powerful need to love and be love in a successful relationship so I knew that I couldn't give up! What I longed for was an amazing love relationship with my life partner that was deeply fulfilling and committed, a partner who accepted me just as I am, a partner I could trust, feel safe and love with all my heart.  But no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't happening... Until one day I discovered that my old ways of dating were not only ineffective, they were ALL WRONG!  I was so unclear about what I wanted in my life and relationships and I didn't know how to get there either! As soon as I became clear about my life and the relationship I wanted, I met my soul mate on a blind date in Lubbock, Texas and we began an amazing love relationship I dreamed of and are happily married today. Hi, my name is Scott Simpson and over the last 18 years I have helped singles create relationship plans.  I have led numerous workshops, taught programs, and conducted seminars that have empowered singles to be successful at finding their soul mate.  Since I learned how to create my relationship plan and put it into action, I learned how to make better relationship choices.  Plus, I feel more confident and excited about my life and empowered to get what I want in life and my relationships. Let me show you how.... Warmly, Scott Simpson